I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
