70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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