I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
