totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
