we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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