Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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