I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
