And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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