you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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