just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
