I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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