He told me they were just razor bumps!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just forgot I was standing up.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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