it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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