there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
