i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
