Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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