Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
