Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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