I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
