Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
