fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
