So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
