If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i would punch a child for taco bell
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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