I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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