I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
