Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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