hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You made out with two different species that night
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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