Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
