I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
