I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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