I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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