So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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