I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
