I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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