there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
