Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I cut my penus on the lid.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize