You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
