Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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