Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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