Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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