ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
