the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
