I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
