Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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