got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
