I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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