my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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