Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize