I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize