He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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