I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
