Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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