you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
