I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
