Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just forgot I was standing up.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
