paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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