I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
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