proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
