I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
