dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
