yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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