that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
